Motives

I find it incredibly frustrating that all the mistrust in the world, all the lies and backstabbing, has affected people so much that they can't accept favors from honest people without completely doubting their intentions. While I know that most people doubt with reason, because they've been burned before by people they trusted, it still makes me sad.

The truth is, I would consider myself a good person. Yes, I've made mistakes in my life and I have misplaced the trust of close friends. But when it comes to helping people, my motives are pure. I want to help people for the sake of helping people. I want to help people because I know how it feels to be struggling through a hard time and wishing there was someone to come along and carry part of the load with me. Yet more and more lately, I see my offerings of help greeted with cold suspicion and doubt.

A friend of mine is going through a rough time right now. We aren't very close, but I can tell that she feels alone and abandoned. So the other day, I sent her a message telling her that I didn't know what was going on, but I could tell that she was having a hard time, and that if she needed to talk about anything, I was there. That's all I said. She responded by asking,
"What have you heard, who told you? are you only kidding with me?"
I was surprised, and a little hurt. I hadn't overstepped any boundaries or made any wild accusations, yet she suspected malicious, ulterior motives. Is that how everyone sees me?

If we live our lives doubting the motives of each person who comes along trying to help, we will only be buried with whatever it is we need help with. It will completely envelope our lives, and eventually we won't be able to let it go. I understand the fear of trusting every single person who comes along, because there are some shady people out there. But sometimes we need to open up and let someone reach out, or in most cases, reach in.

Poetry

We are working on a poetry unit in English, so naturally, we've been analyzing poems. Unfortunately, that's all we've been doing for the past two weeks- analyzing poems to death all period long. It's been incredibly boring, and my teacher vehemently shoots down anyone whose interpretation of the poem isn't textbook. It's been incredibly frustrating for me, who believes that poems are subjective and can be interpreted differently by everyone. When she gave us an assignment to pick a poem and analyze it, I was not excited. Until I found this poem.


Ars Poetica
by Archibald MacLeish


A poem should be palpable and mute
As a globed fruit,

Dumb
As old medallions to the thumb,

Silent as the sleeve-worn stone
Of casement ledges where the moss has grown—

A poem should be wordless
As the flight of birds.

*
A poem should be motionless in time
As the moon climbs,

Leaving, as the moon releases
Twig by twig the night-entangled trees,

Leaving, as the moon behind the winter leaves,
Memory by memory the mind—

A poem should be motionless in time
As the moon climbs.

*
A poem should be equal to:
Not true.

For all the history of grief
An empty doorway and a maple leaf.

For love
The leaning grasses and two lights above the sea—

A poem should not mean
But be.



Yours,
Stephanie

meantime

I haven't posted in a few days, but that's because I've been formulating what I would write in my blog. I'm coming up with some good topics, but I'm not quite there yet. In the meantime, here's something to tide you over. I wrote this poem for a creative writing assignment and this is just the rough draft, but at the same time I don't think there will be any more drafts either because I like it. Enjoy:


Letting Go

Standing.
Sharp edge, steep cliff
Miniscule pebbles crumble into black abyss
Craggy rocks stand guard below
Jutting sharply out of muddy walls.

Upward.
Sky painted a quiet blue
Sun illuminated, a brass button
Alone in the empty expanse
Stretching for days, months, decades.

Alone.
But not lonely
Kept company by painful memories
A beautiful melancholy of days past
Every thought, millions, hang in the air.

Clutching.
The same strong grip
That leads us back each time
To the place we cannot bear
Refusing to let go.

Helium.
Suspends a balloon in space
Like hopes in the back of our minds
Things we know we can never achieve
Always holding us back.

Strength.
Uncurling wishing fingers
Sets a plastic sphere rising slowly, slowly
Quickly, quickly a little planet in the sky
A mere speck on the face of the universe.

Letting go.

Pictionary and Washington Mutual

So my friend David introduced me to a new gaming website and I'm embarassed to say that I love it. It's www.iminlikewithyou.com (and you can access it by clicking on the url.) The reason I'm so embarassed to say I'm a fan is because it's incredibly teenyboppery/scene. When you win games it says things like "boss!" and "michael f'ing jackson!" and "werdup!" and when you loose it says things like "zing!". However, it does have its charm. It's simple because there are only about 8 different games to choose from and the games are relatively easy to play. It also has pictionary which I OWN at. (even though pictionary is called "drawmything")



So yes it is completely ridiculous and immature but oh so much fun. So much fun, in fact, that I find myself playing pictionary rather than doing homework... which is potentially harmful to my psyche and time management skills.
So judge me all you want, but if you sign up, you'll become addicted as well.

In other and more age-appropriate news, I opened up a checking account today. I'm recieving an ATM card which is exciting, and when I get a job (eventually) and paychecks (one day!) I'll be able to deposit them into said accounds and have spending money! (as well as money to save for exciting things like textbooks in college -.- ) So that was exciting.

Well, I'm off to do homework or bake cookies... If I peaked your interest and you are curious about I'm in like with you, go ahead and sign up. Then you can befriend me if you'd like. My username is stizzephanie.

Cheers everyone!
-Stephanie

The First Post

So this is my first post on my brand new blog. I've had several blogs in the past, in middle school, but they were most likely stupid and insignificant. I enjoyed them anyway. I enjoyed having my very own site that I could change however I wanted, and write whatever I wanted. I think most of all, I liked having something that was all about me. If you went to my blog, you knew that you would read something that I wrote, most of the time about my life. And I liked looking back on old blog entries and recollecting what a fun day I had on the 21st of May in 2004.

To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure why I'm starting this blog. Maybe I want to chronicle the days of my life, or just be able to express myself... or maybe I want to regain that feeling of having something that's all mine. Something that belongs to me and is about me. I guess I'll find out one way or another, and so will you. We're all looking for something... and the purpose of this blog is just one of the many somethings for which I am looking.

So the first blog entry eh? What to write? I suppose the first question to ask myself should be: What should it be about? Not just this one entry, but the blog in general? It could be about anything really- politics, current events, music, fashion, something sentimental, a fond memory, a hobby of mine... Or perhaps it could be about what I did today (what I do every day), but nobody really wants to know that... There are probably millions and millions of blogs, not just on blogger, but on the entire Internet. They're about the things mentioned above as well as some things I haven't even thought about. I mean really, there's probably a blog exclusively for people who like to go fly fishing in Saskatchewan on Tuesdays. So what is my blog going to be about? What is going to be the one thing that sets it apart from all the other blogs in the universe?

I can only think of one thing... myself. Believe it or not, (I sometimes don't) there is absolutely nobody like me on the planet. Nobody has my life or my thoughts or my opinions or my interests. So this blog is just going to be about me. Whatever I choose to write, I will write. Not specifically about politics or entertainment or fashion or sports but not specifically about my every day either. I guess if you're really really interested, you'll just have to keep reading my posts. This should be interesting.

-Stephanie